


A Leap in The Dark

by etoile_etiolee



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Blind!Jensen, Hurt/Comfort, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:52:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoile_etiolee/pseuds/etoile_etiolee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the SPN kink meme for this prompt: Blind!Jensen lives alone and is unaware he's being stalked. One night the guy breaks into his home and rapes him, Jared is a detective on the case. He's worked blind!victim cases before but he's drawn to Jensen and develops feelings he never had for men before. Angst, Drama and Love ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_A Leap in the Dark_

When five o’clock finally comes in the form of five small “beeps” coming from Jensen’s watch, he sighs in relief and takes out his ear piece. It’s been a long day. He can’t wait to be home. He makes quick work of cleaning his desk and printing his daily report. He hears the light, quick footsteps of Daneel, his superior, coming closer. He can smell the slightly flowery scent she emits. There’s a very faint spicy nuance to it telling him that he wasn’t the only one to have a stressful day.

“Hey Jen, is your report ready?”

She does that every single day. He has given up on telling her that he is perfectly capable of walking to her office to give her his report just like all his co-workers do. He figures it must make her feel better to do it for him. There’s this attitude people sometimes have towards him, like they want to apologise for being able to see when he himself can’t. But Daneel is a sweet woman and a great boss, so maybe Jensen has spent way too many hours worrying about what other people think.

He smiles and hands off the still warm report just out of the printer.

“Thanks. How was your day?”

Jensen shrugs. “Had the costumer from Hell this afternoon. Spent half an hour trying to explain to him that the problem was coming from the website, not his computer.”

“Jesus,” Daneel sighs. “People can be thick.”

“Yeah.”

“Want a ride?”

“God no, I need some fresh air. It isn’t raining, is it?”

He already knows the answer. His cubicle is located near a window. He hasn’t heard any rain, nor has he smelled the way the air becomes thick with humidity when it’s about to downpour.

“No. Sky is grey, just like it has been all day. I hate November. Depressing month.”

He feels her coming closer as she bends down and kisses him on the cheek. He wonders if she kisses any of his co-workers at the end of a day, knows that she doesn’t. “See you tomorrow morning, Jensen.”

“Bright and early,” Jensen flashes a smile and listens to her as she walks away from him. Then, opens his computer mic. “Shut down,” he says clearly. The electronic voice that’s supposed to mimic the voice of a woman answers, “End of session. Computer shutting down.”

There, he’s finished. He grabs his jacket from the table next to his working desk, wraps his scarf around his neck and takes the white cane folded on the floor next to him. He heads toward the elevator, hearing the chatter of his co-workers all around him, answering a few “good byes” and the occasional “see you tomorrow, Jensen.” Someone is holding the elevator door for him. He quickly steps inside and says “Thanks.” It’s not someone from his floor. He would be able to tell if it were. He doesn’t know this person. It could be a costumer or someone from the sales department located one floor up from his own.

“Is the exit button pushed?” He asks politely.

“Yes,” answers a low, uneasy voice. Jensen doesn’t make anything of it. That’s the way people sometimes react to him. Nothing new there.

Jensen waits, leaning against the wall. It’s been six months since he got this job at the customer service center for a small computer and after-sale service company. It’s not something he’s passionate about - how can anybody be passionate about helping frustrated people get their computer to work properly? Still, it’s a job, and Jensen is glad to have one. At twenty four years old, he’s been living alone for almost a year but the job is what finally sealed the deal and gave him the total independence he had been craving for so long. Of course, if Christian hadn’t been there, he’d still be living at home, wondering what to do with the rest of his life, playing the guitar in the basement while his mom took care of everything. The institute for the Blind of Providence had been great, but Jensen knew he had been lucky to get Chris as a counsellor. And he’d gained a loyal friend in the process.

The elevator slows down and stops before making the small “bleep” sound that indicates the doors are opening. Jensen doesn’t wait for the other man to get out before walking outside. He knows from experience that when people see a blind person in an elevator with them, they will all refuse to move until he gets out, mumbling apologies and “you go first” or something similar.  
Jensen walks confidently towards the hall. He’s used to his surrounding now, to the spinning doors, to the smell of chlorophyll on his left (bunch of green plants over there, Christian had told him) and the slow “wush-wush” of the ventilators on the ceiling (some kind of faux gold crap on the blades. It’s ugly –Christian, again).

There are people walking rapidly, all eager to get home, and James, the security guard, who greets some of them from his station located to the right of the spinning doors behind a Plexiglas panel that gives a strange echo to his voice.

Jensen uses his cane almost automatically now and makes his way out without any problems. Once outside, he breathes in the scents of the street, relishing the overload of everything hitting him all at once and trying to distinct each smell individually. Sometimes when it’s really sunny outside, Jensen’s dark world will slightly lighten up, but right now, only through his other senses can he feel that he’s outside.

He lives in a small apartment building twenty minutes away from his job and walked the path lots of times with Christian before he was confident enough to try it on his own. He really enjoys the sense of liberty walking to work gives him. He knows how to locate the coffee shop he sometimes stops by, the library where he orders his audio and brail books, and the small park with a pond full of ducks whose noises makes him laugh each and every single time. Tonight, though, Jensen doesn’t plan to stop anywhere and sets out at a brisk pace. The street is busy at this hour. He can feel and smell and hear people all around him, although most of the time, they try to keep their distance as much as possible to give the poor blind guy a break. When there’s too much stimulation, which gets him nervous, Jensen has this trick where he hums to himself in a very low voice, cutting the ambient noise away.

Finally, he gets home. He walks the four steps that lead to the door and unlocks it with his key. As he opens it, he freezes with his hand on the knob and listens attentively. It happens sometimes, this impression of being followed, like he can feel a shadow creeping over him. Most of the time, though, it’s just a trick his brain is playing, but tonight, he can almost smell another person, can almost…

“Hey, Jensen, how are you, honey?” a woman calls, coming out the door he’s currently opening.  
Samantha lives in the apartment facing Jensen’s. She’s a middle-aged woman with a very melodic voice. Jensen thought she was blond until Christian told him otherwise. Still, in his head, he can picture a tall silhouette with light- colored, long hair.

“Good, I’m good, Sam.”

“Gotta go. I’m late. Hey, we should have coffee this weekend.”

“Definitely.”

When Samantha’s gone, the impression of being followed is too and Jensen doesn’t give it any more thought. He takes the stairs up to the first floor and walks down the long hallway. His door is the last one on the left. That’s nineteen steps from the top of the stairs. He’s so used to counting he doesn’t even think when he’s doing it. He’s halfway through to nineteen when he hears the stairway door opening and closing behind him. Feels a strange tickling sensation running down his spine. He doesn’t even know why. There are people around him all the time, why is he so nervous tonight?

Soft but long steps behind him. Jensen feels his door with his cane and slides the key in the lock on the second try. He’s pushing the door open when he realises what is making him so uncomfortable.

The silence. The stranger walking behind him is too quiet for it to be natural. People make noises, all sorts of noise, all the time, even if they don’t realize it. The only reason to be this quiet is if someone is doing it on purpose.

That’s what it was downstairs, just before Samantha exited the apartment building; the eerie silence of someone who wished to go unnoticed.

_Oh God_ , Jensen thinks, dropping his cane and stepping inside as fast as he can.  
Too late. He feels the weight of the stranger on his back, and a big, strong hand suddenly covers his mouth and nose. It’s a man, Jensen has already guessed that just by the heavy scent of his sweat and the strength in his movements.

A warm, rancid breath close to his left ear. The disgusting wet press of cold lips on his skin.

“Hey, pretty,” the voice murmurs, and Jensen recognizes it immediately. The distant “yes” in the elevator. The man has been following him since he left work. That’s what does it –the idea of being so vulnerable even surrounded by people. Jensen goes into survival mode and starts fighting.

::: :::

Jared leaves the crime scene when it appears Misha has everything under control. The CSI technician has just called from the hospital, saying that he’s done with the rape kit. Misha gives Jared a serious look and nods silently, standing awkwardly in the small neat kitchen of Jensen Ackles’ apartment.

Jared Padalecki, twenty-eight, is the youngest detective of Providence’s police department. He works homicide and narcotics, most of the time. The only reason he finds himself working a rape case, at seven in the evening after a fourteen hour shift, is because the victim is blind. Jared had worked in a summer camp for blind children during college and had showed great instinct during the interrogation of a young blind witness on a murder case eighteen months ago, which, according to the Captain, has made him some kind of expert in dealing with people who couldn’t see.

The doctor treating Jensen Ackles looks old and tired. He answers all of Jared’s questions in a dull voice, head bent over the patient’s file while describing anal lacerations and bruises and cracked ribs. Ackles has been given painkillers and anxiety medication but the doctor agrees to let Jared see him for a short time period. “Maybe you could convince him to let us call his next-of-kin, or at least a friend. He refused when we offered. Psychological help is already scheduled for tomorrow morning: standard procedure. But he’s blind, for Crist’sake. He needs someone with him.”

That last sentence shows Jared the doctor’s well hidden emotions, and he feels relieved, knowing that the man hasn’t treated Ackles like just another number at the end of a long day. Jared asks for a copy of the physical exam and the paramedics report before bracing himself and knocking on the door, announcing his presence as clearly as possible since the man cannot see him.  
Jared slowly opens the door, scanning the room quickly and taking in as much detail as possible. A nurse is programming the I.V. pump to administer the proper amount of medication, partially hiding Ackles from Jared’s view. The man is lying on his side, legs tucked securely underneath flannel blankets. As soon as Jared steps inside the room, he sees the legs jerk.

“Someone’s there,” a low, slurry voice says.

“Mr Ackles, I’m detective Jared Padalecki. I’m here to ask you a few questions about what happened tonight, if that’s okay with you?”

The nurse steps back, glaring at Jared for disturbing her patient. He has a clear view of the man, pale and thin in his blue and white hospital gown. He looks very young, long and slim body curled up on the bed, his big green eyes blindly searching the space in front of him. They’re beautiful, the only clue letting Jared know they don’t work properly is the way they stare awkwardly into nothingness. The left one has a slight tendency to squint, which, Jared guesses, points toward a type of blindness caused by genetic disease.

Jensen Ackles’ upper lip is swollen and he’s got a bruise blooming on his right cheek, but the rest of his face is relatively intact.

“Okay,” he murmurs, looking toward Jared’s direction.

“Do you want me to stay, Mr. Ackles?” The nurse asks, still eying Jared like he’s the enemy here.

“No, it’s fine.”

The young woman nods and gently puts the call button in Ackles’ hand, closing his fingers around it. “Just ring if you need anything.”

“Okay,”

The nurse leaves without another word. Jared drags a chair near the bed, careful to explain what he’s doing. When he comes closer, the young man tenses all over and shivers. The heart monitor he’s connected to makes a small beeping noise and Jared can see the acceleration of his heartbeat.

“Mr Ackles?”

 

“Yeah.”

“I know you’ve been through a lot today and I don’t want to cause you any more stress. Just tell me when you’ve had enough and I’ll get out of your hair, alright?”  
Ackles nods.

“Okay, can you tell me what happened tonight?”

“He followed me from work. I didn’t realise until it was too late. He pushed me inside my apartment as soon as I opened the door.”

“You walked home from the office? Where do you work, sir?”

Ackles gives the details and Jared writes them down. The man has let go of the bell. Both of his hands grip the edge of the sheets, fingernails white from the strain he puts into it. Jared has to fight the urge to put his own hand on them, some kind of reassuring gesture, but he knows better. Ackles isn’t only a rape victim, he’s blind. Any invasion of his personal space will feel scary and disturbing right now.

“What makes you sure it’s the same man who was in the elevator?”

“His voice. And some things he said when he was…”

Jensen’s eyes close slowly.

“It’s okay, Mr Ackles.”

“The Hell it is!” Jensen says, shaking his head. “Fuck. Couldn’t do anything. He was all over me, had a freaking knife to my throat. I could feel the blade.”

Jared takes a look at the man’s neck and sees a thin red line, an irritation that could’ve been caused by the pressure of a knife. He hopes the technician took a picture.

“Just… Start from the beginning.”

Ackles opens his eyes again, and for one split second, it’s almost like he’s looking straight at Jared. Jared’s chest constricts at the sight. Sexual assault victims have a way of getting to him, but this is the first time he’s been so disturbed that he finds it hard to breathe. There’s something so innocent about this man, something almost painful in his quiet beauty and in the deep soulfulness of his eyes.

_Come on, Padalecki, get yourself together._

“So, you heard him behind you when you unlocked your apartment door.”

“Yeah. He… He put a hand over my mouth and pushed me inside, pushed me hard. I fell on the floor, on my stomach, heard the door close. I screamed, but then he was all over me and I fought but he was stronger, so heavy I couldn’t even breathe.”

“And then what happened?”

Ackles blinks tears away from his eyes. “I don’t… It’s kind of confused. He kept talking, you know, calling me pretty and a… f-fucking slut asking for it and he manhandled me on my back and put the knife against my throat, saying he would love to see me bleed If I gave him the opportunity. He was… groping me with his other hand and punching me. My stomach, my guts, my legs, like I was some kind of punching bag. And I think I was pleading but he slapped me on the mouth and told me to shut the fuck up or he’d carve me another mouth.”

Ackles pauses and swallows loudly, but he can’t keep control over himself and is shaken by a long, silent sob. Tears get stuck on his long dark lashes then start rolling down his cheeks. Jared grabs a Kleenex box from the nightstand. “I’m gonna give you a tissue,” he warns, slowly putting a couple in Ackles’ shaking hands. The man sniffs. “Thanks.” A rasping, broken voice.

“Do you want to stop now? I can come back tomorrow?”

Ackles shakes his head. “No. It’s not gonna be any easier. Let’s get this over with.”

“Okay. What happened next?”

“I don’t… He started pulling my p-pants and briefs down, never taking the knife away and he… he slapped me. Down there. He laid himself over me, using all of his weight to hold me down and he licked my face, whispering that he had been watching me for a long time, that he knew when he waited for me in the elevator today that I was ready, asking for it. He called me a twink, a manslut, like he knew I was gay, but the thing is… It’s been over two months since I went out with a guy. Think he was already watching me then?”

“Don’t think about that now. Just concentrate on the facts.”

“He flipped me on my stomach and held me there. Pulled my pants and my boxers all the way down and then he… F-fuck. Then he raped me while pushing my face into the floor and… huh… At some point he slid his hand under me and realised that I wasn’t hard and it made him so mad… P-punched my back, fucking b… bit me near my shoulder.”

“Did the CSI technician take a picture?”

Jensen nods. He’s crying again, shivers wracking his body. “He pushed harder until he came inside me. Bareback.” He rasps.

There’s a commotion, angry voices outside. “Sir, you don’t have permission to-“

Jared stands up reflexively and unlocks the cover of his gun on his belt, ready to draw it out.

“Fuck you, he’s my friend!” A loud, angry voice shouts at the same time the door opens, giving way to a man with long hair and broad shoulders, not as big as Jared but still, kind of scary.

“Jense?”

“Chris? What…”

Jared slowly relaxes when he sees the glint of recognition, then relief washing all over Ackles’ face. He makes a soothing gesture at the nurse standing at the door. She has this killer look in her eyes that clearly says she holds Jared responsible for everything going wrong in the world.

The long-haired, kind of scary man is already near the bed, bending over Ackles, one hand firmly pressed against his chest. “Fuck, Jense, I’m sorry. So sorry, man.”

“T’s’not your fault.”

“I… Yeah, but. Shit. Went to see you, and there were police officers and freaking yellow tape and I thought…”

“I’m okay.”

“The Hell you are.”

“Okay, you’re right. I’m so not okay right now, Chris.”

There’s another long, harsh sob from Ackles and a string of curses murmured from the man –Chris- who’s bracing his friend with his body as though danger is still lurking and he’s ready to put the smack down on anyone who comes too close.

Jared steps back. He’s done everything here he can do for tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

Chris doesn’t ask questions, just lets Jensen tell what he feels he needs to tell. First off, he refuses to have Chris call his parents. “Can’t deal with them right now.” That’s great, because Christian himself isn’t sure he can. 

Jensen falls asleep sometime around midnight, shortly after receiving another round of pain killers. Christian stands guard, arms crossed over his chest, wondering if he could have prevented this shit from happening one way or another. Anger courses through his veins and he takes long, controlled breaths. Jensen has made so much progress over the last year, going from a shy and moody boy heavily dependent on his parents to a young man capable of taking care of himself, gaining a little bit more confidence each day that passes.

God he hopes he can help Jensen get through this, he hopes this doesn’t mean the end of Jensen’s try at a normal life. 

Like some people affected by complete blindness, Jensen always sleeps with his eyes half open. Takes some time to get used to it, to know whether he’s really sleeping or not. When his chest begins to heave more and more quickly, Christian is next to him in an instant, wrapping his hands around his friend’s shaking ones. Sure enough, Jensen jerks himself awake. He’d only slept for an hour. The panicked expression on his face is hard to stand. Chris would do anything to wipe it away.

“M’here, dude. You’re at the hospital, remember?”

Jensen nods slowly, winces as he rearranges himself on the bed. “Yeah, I do,” he whispers hoarsely. “I remember everything.”

And fuck if that doesn’t break Christian’s heart.

::: :::

They wait for him by the pizzeria’s entrance, unmarked police car parked innocently just in front of the restaurant. Misha’s nervous. It shows. “Damn it, Mish, read your goddamn newspaper.”

“He isn’t coming. He’s usually here by seven forty five.”

“Two minutes late? Come on.”

Jared sees a tall silhouette walking towards them on the sideway, hands shoved in his pocket. That’s him, Fredric Lenhe. He feels the adrenaline rush coursing through his veins. “Here he is,” he whispers, and Misha slowly folds his paper. 

Lenhe approaches, looking indifferently at them, but the minute he sees Jared flashing his badge at him, his features crumple and he turns on his heels, ready to run. Misha’s ready, though. He grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him securely against the brick wall, holding his hands behind his back while Jared secures the cuffs around Lenhe’s wrists. “Frederic Lenhe, you’re under arrest for aggravated rape on the person of Jensen Ackles. You have the right to-“

“Fuck you,” Lenhe snarls.

Misha’s eyes go wild. It always amazes Jared the way his apparently whimsical, innocent-looking partner can suddenly snap, strength and authority radiating off him in waves. “Shut up, you sick bastard,” he says in a voice that’s almost a growl, pushing the man’s head harder against the wall. “You know what, Freddy-boy? You’re one Hell of a moron. Just because your victim can’t see you doesn’t make you invisible to everybody else. We have a handful of witnesses who can testify against you, you dumb, stupid ass.”

“We ready to go, Misha?” Jared asks, because he can’t wait to see this bastard behind bars. 

“Yes, more than ready. Come on, Einstein.”

::: :::

Jared is not surprised to see Christian Kane opening Ackles’ apartment door. Fierce eyes take him in from head to toe. “It’s okay, Jensen,” he shouts. “It’s that detective…”

“Padalecki.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Can I come in?”

“Can he come in?” Christian shouts again over his shoulder.

“Come on, Chris, don’t be an ass,” says a soft voice behind him, and Jared has this funny feeling in the pit of his stomach when he finally sees Ackles. It’s been three days since the rape. No trace anything ever happened in the apartment. Ackles looks pale and tired, dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes. He’s got one hand on the wall, floating in sweatpants and an old long-sleeve shirt too big for him.

“Can I speak to you for a minute, Mr. Ackles?”

“Of course. Come in, detective.”

Jared makes his best effort to ignore the dark look Kane is giving him. Doesn’t need any words to understand that this man won’t let Jared, police officer or not, upset his friend in any way. 

“We can… go in the living room,” Ackles suggests in a thin voice, waving his hand to his right.

“That’s fine with me.”

“Can Chris stay?”

“Of course I’m staying, Jense,” Kane says immediately.

“No problem.” 

Jensen sits slowly on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position. Of course, Kane settles right next to him, leaving an old wooden rocking chair for Jared. 

“How have you been doing?” Jared asks, opening the suitcase he brought with him.

“M’okay. Do you need some more information?”

“Well, no. That’s not why I’m here. We caught him, Mr. Ackles. The man who did this to you. He was arrested this morning.”

A heavy silence fills the air. Jared sees a mix of complex emotions washing over Ackles’ face. 

“Really?” He rasps.

Even Kane looks shocked. “’You serious?”

“His name is Fredric Lehne, does the name ring any bells to you?”

Jensen shakes his head. His eyes are lowered down to the floor and he’s biting his lips hard. Jared takes a picture of Lenhe out of his suitcase and shows it to Kane who shakes his head silently.

“He works for a pizzeria close to your workplace. He makes deliveries there sometimes, and we think that’s how he noticed you in the first place. We have witnesses that can testify they saw him near you the day of the assault. The most important one being your neighbour, Miss Samantha Ferris. She saw Lenhe entering this apartment building right after you.”

“Okay.”

“… And the finger prints found here are a match to his. The case is solid; we’re just waiting for the DNA test results from the samples we took.”

“Who is that bastard?” Kane asks, lips reduced to a thin white line.

“Well, he has no criminal record, which doesn’t mean this is his first crime. He’s forty-five, lives alone, moved from Florida three years ago. That’s all we know.”

“So,” Jensen asks, staring into space. “Do I have to testify, anything like that?”

“Not for now. Lenhe’s preliminary subpoena is scheduled for tomorrow, but that’s basically a formality. The trial’s date will be fixed then, but as far as I can tell, it’s gonna be another six months before it starts.”

“I… thank you, detective.”

Jared shrugs, then realises Ackles can’t see him. “Don’t thank me, please. That’s my job. All I ask is for you to call if you’re thinking about leaving town, so we know how to reach you.”

“Of course.”

“And take care of yourself.”

It sounds so futile, this sentence, futile and empty. It’ll take months before Ackles starts feeling better about this, and then the trial will be shoved right in his face, bringing him back to that night. Jared has seen the same thing happen to other victims time and time again. He looks at the young broken man, who’s barely a shadow of himself next to his friend, and wishes he could hold him in his arms, find a way to make it all better for him. And that’s not how he’s supposed to think, as a detective. He always feels for the victims of the crimes he’s working on –he wouldn’t be human if he didn’t- but he’s somehow very emotionally tied to this case. There’s one thing he has to say, though, and it’s not an easy one.

“Mr Ackles, we’ve taken some blood samples from Lenhe, to test him for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, but even if the results come out negative, it takes six months before we’re sure because if he’s been infected recently, it won’t show in the blood yet. Did the doctor explain any of this to you?”

Ackles’ cheeks are burning red. He’s ashamed. Ashamed that he may have caught an incurable disease because he was raped. This is a common reaction for sexually assaulted victims, but it makes Jared angry, gives him the urge to punch something every single time. And by the expression on Kane’s face, Jared is not the only one to feel that way.

“Yeah,” Jensen finally answers quietly. “The nurse from the health center told me how this would work.”

“Well, I better get going now.”

Jensen stands up and holds out his hand awkwardly in front of him. Jared gets the message and shakes it, a second or two longer than necessary. “Thank you,” Ackles repeats. 

It’s Kane’s turn to take Jared’s hand. He has this semi-serious, semi-sheepish expression on his face when he lets go. “Who was that other detective who was here the other night?”

“My partner, detective Collins.”

“I… can you tell him I’m sorry?”

Jared nods and represses a smile. He doesn’t need to ask what Kane is talking about. Misha has already told him about “That crazy guy who suddenly arrived on the crime scene and started yelling at everyone.” 

“I’m off then. Take care, Mr. Ackles.”

That’s it, he thinks. He won’t see Ackles again until the trial, and that’s only if his testimony in court is considered necessary. He doesn’t know why he feels so down. For once, they caught the guy quickly; they had done one Hell of a good job with this case. It should feel like victory. Except it doesn’t.

::: :::

Christian had stayed with him for five days, never leaving him alone, relying on some friends of his to deliver the food they needed. It’s now Wednesday, November the tenth, not even a week since he had been raped, but Jensen feels like his everyday life is a distant, unreachable dream. 

He sleeps a couple of hours that afternoon during which he has a maddening nightmare full of noises and screams, but at least, he doesn’t wake up yelling and fighting his comforter, which is an improvement he supposes. 

Christian is watching some TV in the living room. Doesn’t ask if he slept well because he already knows the answer. Just says he’s thinking about making an omelette for dinner. Jensen stands where he is, leaning on the wall next to the window. Tries to get himself together before he starts talking.

“Chris, it’s been five days.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re missing work and you hadn’t been at your place since you brought me back from the hospital.”

“So?” That stubborn, defensive tone is so Christian-like, something that annoys and comforts Jensen at the same time.

“So. We can’t go on like this.”

“Wow. Are you breaking up with me, Jense?” Chris mocks, but the worry is still there.

“You know what I mean. You have to get back to your place. You have to work.”

“Jensen…”

“I’m serious, Chris. It’s not like I’m bed-ridden or anything. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, dude, but there’s no one else and… It’s only been five days and…”

Jensen shrugs. He knows he doesn’t have a lot of friends, knows he’s kind of isolated. Chris is the only one who’s more than a neighbour or a colleague. When he moved to Providence, two hours away from his hometown, he knew it would be a challenge, leaving his comfort behind, leaving his friends, his parents. But he doesn’t regret it. It’s something that needed to be done, putting some distance between him and his overprotective mother, not only mentally, but physically because it was a vicious circle. The more she did for him, the less he did for himself. It had only gotten worse when Josh had left home, like all Donna Ackles was left to do and to be was a mother for her blind son.

Even now, head full of disturbing thoughts, body aching and sore, Jensen doesn’t regret his decision. If he’s a bit more isolated than he was before, he has a life, and there’s time to make friends, to settle in Providence until he feels at home here.

“I’m not gonna call my parents, Chris, if that’s what you have in mind.”

“Josh…”

“Josh is in Vancouver. Josh has a three month old baby. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I know your mom is difficult, Jense but your dad…”

“My dad is like an extension of my mom. You know that. He won’t come here if she doesn’t tell him to. And anyway, I don’t wanna see them. It’s not what I need.”

Jensen can hear Chris standing up and walking closer to him. His friend leans on the wall to his right and sighs loudly. “I know man. It’s just… You’ll have to tell them eventually.”

“Yeah, well. Not right now.”

“Fuck, I wish I could…”

“What, Chris? You can’t do more than you’re already doing and I’m glad you’re here for me. I am. And I need you, but still. You can’t stop living because I’ve been raped.”

Jensen can hear the sharp intake of breath and he knows his friend is seriously thinking about what he’s telling him.

“Okay. Let’s… make a deal, all right?”

Christian’s deals. _Let’s make a deal, Jense. You try for the interview, that’s all I’m asking, and if you get the job I’ll take care of all the adaptations that will need to be installed. Let’s make a deal, Jense. I’ll go with you on that first date and tell you my impression of the guy. All I’m asking is for you to try._

“Okay.”

“I’ll go home, take care of some stuff and whatever, but I’ll come back to sleep here … And I’ll go to work tomorrow, but you keep your couch open for me. Can spend a couple of more nights here. That’s all I’m asking, Jense. Do it for me.”

“You know I can’t say no to that.” Jensen smiles and tries for a punch on Chris’ shoulder, and gets him just below the elbow. Not bad.

“That hurt, man!”

“Yeah, right.”

“Want me to cook supper before I leave?”

“Nah, m’okay. Just make sure everything is in place in the bathroom.”

“Of course.”

They both know what Jensen’s talking about, and he’s glad Chris doesn’t need him to go into the details.

It takes some more time and persuasion before Christian is finally ready to leave. He tells Jensen that his phone is going to stay on at least six times before the door finally closes behind him. “I’m alright,” Jensen says loudly through the door, then he turns the lock and engages the latch. 

Turns out… he’s not alright. Not at all.

Everything seems to go well at first. He’s not hungry, doesn’t feel like making the effort to cook anything, so he takes an apple and eat it slowly, sitting at the kitchen table with his brail edition of Chuck Palhaniuk’s _Lullaby_. He can’t concentrate enough to read, however, and sitting for too long is painful, so he decides to take a bath. His body is aching all over and he has already taken two showers today. A bath seems like a good idea.

He continues with his routine, careful to keep his mind free of everything else, just focusing on the task as he does it; turning on the radio he keeps in the bathroom, making sure the shampoo is where it’s supposed to be, as well as the soap and the towels. Everything in its place, that’s how Jensen manages everyday life without too much difficulty. 

He strips off his clothes, moaning in pain when his shirt brushes against the wound on his shoulder, but he doesn’t want to think about it, about the man’s teeth on his skin, marking him.

_Stop it, Jensen._

He finds the coarse salt where Christian had left it and pours some in the running water. Doctor’s orders - to keep the bruised and torn tissue of his anus as clean as possible. Before he steps in the bath, he makes sure the ointment is where Chris left it on the sink. 

The water is hot and it hurts, at first, when he sinks into it, and all the bruises and scratches and wounds of his beaten up body sting enough that he can’t help but whimper. After a couple of minutes, though, the pain is gone, and he feels his tight muscles relax slowly.

 

The radio is always tuned to an information station. Jensen likes hearing voices. It soothes him, when his dark and silent world becomes too much of nothingness. He closes his eyes and presses a washcloth to his face, humming to himself, staying in control of his thoughts and emotions by keeping his mind as empty as possible. 

On the sink, his watch beeps once. It’s five thirty. Christian has been gone for more than half an hour. He’s doing good. He can do this. 

And then there’s an ad on the radio - loud music and a very annoying voice yelling about some huge promotion and a bunch of products on sale. Jensen realises then that he can’t hear anything but the radio echoing against the bathroom walls. 

If someone tries to break in, he won’t hear it. And maybe someone is already inside, hiding in a corner and waiting for Jensen to walk next to him and then… and then…

Fear swells suddenly in his chest, and he gets up in a hurry, stepping out of the bath, not caring about the water dripping everywhere until he finds the radio and turns it off. He stands perfectly still then, arms wrapped around his body, shivering, aching everywhere, and listens, listens desperately to the noises.

_Hey, pretty._

Jensen shakes his head and grabs a towel to wrap around his shoulders and gets out of the bathroom. Panic makes him lose his usual familiarity with his surrounding and he bumps against the walls and furniture in his hurry to get to the door. There, he feels the lock and the latch. Nothing has moved - of course nothing has moved. It’s over. He’s safe. The man who did this to him is in jail.

But none of that succeeds in calming him down. He has already taken an anxiety pill this morning, can’t have another one until tomorrow.

“Come on,” he rasps, and his voice is so damn loud in the empty apartment. “Get yourself together.”

 

He all but runs to his bedroom, doesn’t even know what he’s running from, but he has to put some clothes on, can’t stand to be naked and exposed this way. He grabs his pj pants and an old hoodie, dresses as quickly as he can, then lets himself fall on the bed where he lies on his side.

Jensen’s short of breath, feeling cold and hot at the same time. He fights the urge to call Chris. What good would it do? His friend would come running, and next time he leaves Jensen alone, it would be the same thing all over again. 

Pressing his hands against his damp hair, Jensen talks out oud, mumbling some silly words of reassurance that don’t do shit. He feels it just the same, creeping over him, the too clear memory of the rape. The smell of the man and the sickening feeling of his tongue all over Jensen’s body.

_Stop it._

Jensen slowly stands up and fights the urge to run. Anywhere, away from his own body and mind. Chris has programmed the number of the Health Center’s help line into his phone. The nurse told him to call whenever he needed to talk to someone. 

He walks to the living room and tries to feel the small brail print Chris had stuck on his adapted phone. He’s not quite sure if he has it right, because there’s a whole bunch of new fast calls numbers: the hospital, the police station, the health center’s other number. He finally presses the button and waits. Two rings, then a serious, professional voice answers.

“Detective Padalecki, how can I help you?”

Wrong number. Jensen should just hang up and try again, but hearing the police officer’s voice has an immediate soothing effect on him. Maybe it’s just being in contact with another human being, or the knowledge that this is the man who caught the monster who raped him. One way or the other, Jensen finds himself unable to move or speak.

“Hello? This is Jared Padalecki here.” The man insists. 

“I… huh… Dialled the wrong number,” Jensen stutters, still unable to hung up.

“Who’s… Wait. Mr. Ackles? Jensen, is that you?”

“Huh. Yeah. Sorry. Wanted to call the help line from the center and I mixed up the… yeah…”  
Jensen has no idea why he’s babbling like that. It’s just so good not to feel alone anymore.

“Hey, are you okay?” Padalecki asks in a gentle voice.

And damn it if Jensen isn’t suddenly on the verge of tears.

“Yeah. Guess I am. Sorry for bothering you, detective.”

“Listen, you’re not bothering me. Not at all. I’m not even on duty.”

“I… It’s stupid, you know? I told my friend Chris to get out of here for a little while because… Yeah, I’ll have to be able to be on my own eventually but now I’m kind of freak out.”

“Do you need me to call him for you?”

“No!... no. I huh… It’s just… Fuck, I don’t know. Just feels good to talk with someone.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

Jensen’s sudden laughter bursts out of him, sounding kind of hysterical, but it feels so, so good. “No.”

“What?” There’s a smile in Padalecki’s voice.

“That’s not what you’re here for. You’re a detective, not my damn psychiatrist.”

“Okay… That’s not really what I’m here for. True. But it’s okay. You know what? I was kind of bored anyway. Just got home, opened a beer. There’s nothing on TV and I don’t feel like going out.”

“Right.”

“Jensen.” Padalecki’s voice is serious all of sudden. “I know it’s bad, right now, but it’s gonna get better.”

Jensen snorts. Doesn’t want to say he has the feeling nothing’s gonna be the way it used to be, ever again. Scared it’s gonna sound melodramatic.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah. Still here, detective.”

“Call me Jared.”

“O-kay. Jared.”

“You know, I was thinking the other day… Why don’t you have as assistance dog? I kind of thought, you know, it’s pretty common. I’ve heard they can be a big help.”

Jensen doesn’t even realize he has started to relax. The stress he had put upon his body for the last hour slowly melts away as he explains to Detective Padalecki –Jared- that he’s always been scared of dogs and they feel it, reacting nervously in his presence and making the bond needed between the animal and the owner unreachable. But Chris is working on it, as a matter of fact, and they’re supposed to try again come spring, and…

Jensen keeps talking, answering Jared’s questions. He feels tired and lax, like he’s sinking into the couch, and he starts to believe that he can do this. Can wait for Chris to come back without freaking out too much.

::: :::

Jared orders another shot from the bartender and drinks it as soon as the glass is placed in front of him. He feels Misha’s eyes on him and represses the urge to ask for the bottle.

“What is going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Jay, you’re getting drunk and you only ever do that when something is seriously wrong.”

“Am I?” Jared raises an eyebrow at Misha who’s nursing his beer, looking at him with concern.

“Spit it out.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Nothing new there.”

“Shut up.”

Jared grabs a handful of peanuts and shoves them in his mouth. Eating his emotions. Drinking them. He’s always been good at that.

“Jay, come on.”

“I think I might feel… something for someone.”

Okay, now he just sounds like an angsty twelve year old girl. Misha snorts.

“Wow, that’s… What are you talking about?”

“You know he called yesterday? He dialled the wrong number and he sounded so wrecked, I had to physically restrain myself from going over to his place?”

“Who?”

“Jensen Ackles.”

“Jen… Our rape victim?”

 

“Yep. And he was all messed up and I didn’t want to leave him like that so I made him talk about small stuff, kept him company while he was alone.”

“You did what?”

“Dude, are you deaf?”

“Jared. You aren’t making any sense.”

 

“No, I totally am. You know… I like his voice so much, and I made him laugh and it felt so good, and I can’t fucking stop thinking about him and… Yeah. I’m so totally falling for him.”

Misha’s looking at him with an expression of total surprise. It takes a lot to surprise Misha. Jared should be proud. God, he’s drunk. But not drunk enough, definitely not drunk enough.

“Jay?” Misha’s holding the hand he was raising toward the bartender. “He’s a rape victim.”

“I know.”

“He’s blind. He’s been severely traumatized. And, most important of all - you’re not gay.”

“I… Had a couple of experiences in college, even thought I was bi for a while.”

“So, what are you going to do? Because I’m pretty sure he’s in no condition to date someone right now, and this could compromise the case, you know that. And I don’t even know why I’m telling you this because man, you’re straight.

“Told you about college.”

“College doesn’t count. Everybody does stupid shit in college. I was selling pot back then.”

“Wha’?”

“Yep. Was this cool cliché of the wasted guy.”

Jared laughs. For a long time. Until he feels tears pool in the corner of his eyes. Misha waits it out patiently while finishing his beer.

“That’s… That’s…”

“Stupid. I know. Because it was _college._ Jared, this whole case is messing with your head. You feel sympathy for the guy, which is completely understandable because he’s breaking my heart too, I swear. But you’re mistaking your empathy with… _feelings_ … You need to stand back a bit.”

Jared shakes his head sadly. “No. It’s fucked up, but it’s not some empathy shit.”

“Forget about this. I’m telling you, Jay.”

And Jared knows Misha’s right. His friend is a great listener, someone who usually doesn’t judge and keeps what he thinks to himself unless he’s ask to do otherwise. So if Misha is telling him to drop it, Jared should listen.

Still, when Jensen calls him the following night, all of Jared’s resolutions fly out the window.

He’s so screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

Christian climbs the stairs, balancing two pizza boxes in one hand and the six pack of beer in the other. He knocks at Jensen’s door with his foot and waits impatiently.

When his friend finally opens, he’s got the phone tucked between his ear and his shoulder and he’s smiling. “Gotta go. Chris is here. Yeah, okay. Bye, Jared.” Jensen smiles wider and, although Christian is more than pleased to see Jensen looking so relaxed, he wonders once again what the hell is going on here.

“So, was that the detective again?” He asks nonchalantly while taking the food into the kitchen.

“His name is Jared.”

“Yeah, well. How’s _Jared_.”

Jensen’s pale face tenses and he knocks his foot against the table while sitting down, his clumsiness a sure sign that he’s upset. Chris immediately regrets his sarcastic tone. He should just be glad his friend is getting better. That’s what’s truly important after all.

 _Then again, when whatever is going on with this Jared guy is over, you’ll have to pick up the pieces, if there are any pieces left_ , Christian can’t help but think.

He serves the food and helps Jensen settle himself. “Fork’s on the left, napkin’s on the right. Your disgusting Parmesan cheese is upper right.”

Jensen nods silently, still looking kind of hurt, and the guy has no idea how perfectly his face mirrors his every emotion, blind or not. That hurt look in his wide, soulful eyes could melt anybody’s heart.

“Come on, Jense. Don’t be mad at me. I’m just concerned.”

“I know,” Jensen whispers, feeling with his fork to find the pizza on his plate.

“Want a beer?” 

“Yeah.”

Christian slides the bottle gently into Jensen’s waiting hand. “How was your day?”

“Boring. I’ve called work. I told Daneel I would be there tomorrow.”

“What? But the doctor gave you a month.”

Jensen snorts in his beer. “So? I feel better, physically, and it won’t do me any good spending another week here doing nothing. Besides, since I’m starting on a Friday, it’ll be like a progressive comeback, right?”

He smiles hopefully, looking just a bit to the left, and Christian knows he’s walking on eggshells.

“Well, if you feel ready, I guess you’re right. But I’m driving you there and picking you up at the end of the day.”

Jensen nods. “Okay. I don’t… don’t think I’m ready to walk alone on the streets yet.”

“How did Daneel react?”

“With no subtlety. She burst into tears when she heard my voice.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, but hey… M’used to it. They were already treating me like I was some kind of delicate flower at work before…” Jensen sighs. His pizza slice is still intact on his plate. He must have lost at least five pounds over the last three weeks.

“You gotta eat, Jense.”

“Yeah.”

He cuts himself a tiny bite and chews it for a long time. He’s not okay, Chris knows –he doesn’t expect him to be so soon after being brutally attacked, but Jensen is currently playing a dangerous game with himself. It’s like he’s so scared of losing everything he’s gained over the last year he won’t give himself the time to properly assess what happened to him. And even though Christian understands Jensen’s mother can be difficult to deal with, the fact that Jensen still won’t tell his parents what happened is not good. “She’ll force me to come back,” he’d told Chris. “I can’t go back. If I go home, I’ll never gather the courage to leave again.” Chris gets it, but he would’ve liked Josh to know, at least. Jensen and his brother don’t see each other often, but they get along well, and Josh could help. It feels wrong, not to call him, but it’s Jensen’s decision in the end. 

So, yeah. Jensen’s big brother can’t help him, apparently, but a stranger responsible for the investigation of his rape is apparently becoming his new buddy.

“I can hear you thinking,” Jensen says, frowning.

“You can hear me think that the pizza’s good?

Jensen lets go of his fork and crosses his arms over his chest. “Alright, spit it out. Come on, let me have it, Chris. It’s not like you mind telling what you think normally.”

“Jen. It’s just… Damn it. What are you doing?”

“What?”

“With this fucking police officer. “

“Oh. Is that what this is about? Jared?”

“Stop calling him Jared, like he’s your friend or something.”

“He is my friend.”

“Yeah, right. Listen, I get it. First time, you panicked –I still think you should’ve called me but… Why do you keep calling him?”

“I… I don’t know, Chris, what do you want me to say? I told you, I tried the help line the day after that and I didn’t like it… and Jared… Jared likes to talk with me, okay? And I feel safe when you’re not here and he’s on the phone and…”

“Told you it was too early for you to be alone.”

Jensen’s face turns a deep shade of red. He hits the table with his palm, hard. “Don’t treat me like a freaking child, Chris! I need this. You can’t move in with me. And I’m so fucking scared all the time… It’s exhausting. I want it to stop. Having you by my side 24/7 is not gonna help me with that. And I feel like it’s a good compromise, don’t you see? Calling Jared when everything becomes too much and I can’t get it into my head that nobody’s watching me from the corner of my room… I didn’t meant for it to happen, I swear, but I feel like he’s a friend, and he’s great, we get along well and I don’t have to hide anything because he already knows.”

Chris looks at Jensen for a few seconds, wondering if he should just leave this alone, but he can’t, not when his friend is in such a vulnerable state. He knows what he’s about to say is gonna hurt and he braces himself for it.

“Jensen. I’m telling you this as your friend, okay? Padalecki seems like a good guy, and a good cop. He must have felt bad about what happened to you, and when you called, you were upset. Of course he wouldn’t hang up on you. He must feel like this is an extension of his job or something. He sympathises with you, he wants you to be okay, but that’s all. He’s not your friend, Jensen, and if you keep calling him, he’ll eventually tell you all of this, and maybe refer you to a psychologist or something. And you will end up hurt.”

From red, Jensen’s face goes pale. He tries to pick up his beer bottle, but his hands are shaking and he lets it go. By the way his teeth are sinking into his lower lip, Chris can tell Jensen’s on the verge of crying and he doesn’t know what to do, wishes fiercely he could go back in time to before this mess happened and break the neck of the sick bastard who turned Jensen’s fragile life upside down. 

“I… I don’t think you get it, Chris,” Jensen says so quietly Christian can barely make out the words. “It’s not like that.”

He stands up, gripping the table with his hands as if he’s having trouble staying upright. “I don’t feel so good. Think I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.”

“Jense…”

“You can stay. Finish your pizza. The game is gonna start soon. Maybe I’ll join you later.”

Jensen leaves the kitchen, his breath already hitching. 

“Damn it,” Chris growls, hitting the table with his fist because he can’t punch his own stupid face.

::: :::

Surveillance is the part of Jared’s job he hates the most. Whenever he stays immobile for too long, it’s like his body aches with the need to move until it seems to almost vibrate with it.  
Doesn’t help that Misha’s patience is legendary. The guy can stay silent for hours, calmly watching his surroundings. He’d taken some yoga classes a couple of years back and keeps telling Jared how much good they had done him, that Jared should give it a try. Jared only had to think of himself trying to fold his giant body into the lotus position to be convinced that yoga was definitely not for him. Like, ever.

He looks at his watch and sighs in impatience “And he’s still inside…” 

“Yeah, I know that, Jare.”

“He doesn’t know anything. He’s a small dealer. We’re wasting our time.”

“You’re grumpy.”

“I’m bored.”

He doesn’t tell his partner what’s really bothering him, doesn’t feel like being judged, but it’s been two days since Jensen last called, and it doesn’t feel right. He’d been supposed to call Jared after his first day back at work. When he hadn’t, Jared had called and he’d gotten Christian Kane on the phone, cold and distant, telling him that Jensen was fine, that he was in the shower, which was a lie Kane hadn’t even tried to make credible. Another day has passed without news and now Jared is working extra hours on a freaking Sunday and wondering what the hell is going on with Jensen.

“There he goes,” Misha warns.

“Hallelujah.”

They follow their suspect all over town but of course, all he does is go home, and they still don’t know, at the end of the day, who’s responsible for the new Heroin shipment.

Sometimes life just sucks. 

It’s Misha’s turn to write the report and Jared is more than happy to leave him to it. He gets into his car and turns the heat on, grumbling about cold weather and long, boring Sundays. That’s when his cell phone rings. He answers quickly while getting on the road.

“Padalecki.”

“Hey. Jared? Are you working?"

Jensen’s voice is rough and low, but Jared’s way too relieved to really notice.

“Hey, Jensen. Good to hear from you, man. You were supposed to call Friday night. I was worried.”

“Yeah. You were _worried_.”

Something’s wrong. 

“What’s going on, Jen, are you okay?”

There’s a sad laugh at the other end of the line. “Of course, I am. Why wouldn’t I be? Listen, I just wanted you to know that I won’t be calling anymore.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jared doesn’t even try to hide his disappointment.

“No. No, s’just… I get it, you know? I’ve been kind of invading your life over the past three weeks and I huh… I just needed someone to talk to, but it was wrong and I shouldn’t have bothered you and…”

“Whoa. Jensen. What is going on?”

“I…”

There’s a pause, then something like a muffled sob. Then a click.

Without even thinking, Jared takes the next exit off the highway and heads downtown. Over the past several days, his feelings for Jensen have only grown. They’ve talked on the phone as if they were long-time friends, getting comfortable with each other, finding out what they had in common, what made them different. Jared doesn’t know if he is just a security blanket for Jensen, taking up Chris’ place and role when needed and frankly, he doesn’t care. He is honest with himself enough to recognize the feelings he has, not questioning them too much. Jensen is a guy, okay, which makes Jared at least bisexual, but so what? Why do they need to put a label on everything? One night, Jared had this dream about Jensen, about his body pressed up against his, his cock nudging into the crease of Jared’s ass, his stubble scratching Jared’s skin as they kissed. So, yeah. Definitely not a problem, Jensen’s gender. Jared had been so hard when he woke up all he’d needed was a couple of hard strokes before he’d come, hard, Jensen’s name on his lips.

Not that he would ever urge Jensen into anything of that nature, of course, but he’d be content if they could at least be friends.

And he doesn’t have the faintest idea what’s going on in Jensen’s head at the moment. When they talk, he sometimes gets these mood swings: can be cheerful and enthusiast one minute, then suddenly, his voice lowers and shakes a little, and he becomes very quiet. He’s anxious, of course he is –who wouldn’t be in his situation- he tries hard to hold it together, and he’s mostly alone. Jared just hopes his return to work hasn’t been too difficult for him.

He rings the buzzer for Jensen’s apartment and waits impatiently for an answer, shifting from one foot to the other because it’s freaking freezing outside. 

“Yeah?” Jensen’s voice is unsure, full of distrust.

“Jensen? It’s me, Jared. Can I come up?”

“Jared? Wha’?”

Jensen’s words are slurry as if he was drunk and Jared suddenly needs to be in there, to see him right now.

“Come on, open the door for me.”

There’s a short buzzing sound then the door clicks and Jared is inside, climbing the stairs with his long legs and knocking at Jensen’s apartment door.

“Hey, Jen, it’s me.”

When he finally opens the door, Jared is kind of taken aback by Jensen’s appearance. His eyes are glassy, the left one keeps crossing. There’s a film of sweat covering his pasty white face and his body, making his shirt cling to his chest. His hair is damp, plastered to his head. His hands are shaking and there are deep creases on his lower lip, as if he’s been biting it hard.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing, M’fine,” Jensen slurs and sways on his feet. “You didn’t need to come.”

“Come on, let me in.”

Jensen steps back very slowly, giving way to Jared who closes the door behind himself.

“You should sit. You really don’t look fine.”

“Well, you know what?” Jensen smiles unevenly. “I feel great for the first time since I was raped, as a matter o’fact.”

“Okay, well, humour me. Can I take your arm?”

Jensen’s features crumble and he nods, letting Jared guide him to the living room where he settles him on the couch. Jensen all but falls on the cushions. His head tilts up, exposing his neck, and stays that way. Jared desperately tries to guess what’s wrong. 

“Are you drunk?”

Jensen laughs. “Nope.”

And then Jared sees it - the empty pill bottle on the coffee table. He grabs it with shaking hands and reads the label. Valium. He knows Jensen had it prescribed after his assault. He feels his chest constrict suddenly.

“Jen? Did you take some pills tonight?” He asks as gently as he can.

“Yeah, I did.” Jensen blinks lazily, as if on the verge of falling asleep.

Jared sits next to him and grabs him by the shoulders. “Hey! Don’t fall asleep on me, man. Tell me, what did you take?”

“You smell good,” Jensen mumbles, titling his head to the side and burying his face in Jared’s neck. 

Jared sets him upright and holds his shoulders more tightly. “What did you take, Jensen?”

“I took a Valium, Jesus! I took a Valium but it wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t breathe and I kept hearing his voice in my head and I could even smell him, ya’ know? And I didn’t wanna call Chris because I’m mad at him and I couldn’t call you because I’m stupid and dumb and I thought you really enjoyed talking with me and that we were becoming friends but… And it felt like I was gonna die, my heart was beating so fast… So I took another one.”

“Another Valium.”

“Yes. Took two Valium, that’s all. There, you happy?”

Jared doesn’t even try to make sense of what Jensen is saying to him. He just grabs his phone and dials the free number of the poison center. They put him on hold and all the while, Jensen looks in his direction, frowning, probably wondering what the hell he’s doing. Two Valium is hardly a suicide attempt, which was Jared’s first thought. Still, he has to make sure the man’s health isn’t endangered somehow. 

The operator listens calmly to Jared’s explanations, asks a few questions and reassures him. There’s no danger. Jensen will probably feel sleepy and tired for the next twenty-four hours, and will also be very relaxed, but there is nothing to worry about, just makes sure the prescription is correctly followed next time.

Jared hangs up and turns toward Jensen who’s still looking in his direction quizzically.

“I didn’t try to kill myself, Jared.”

“I… I know that, but still. You can’t double the dose of Valium just because you feel like it, Jen.”

Jensen’s features tense. He sinks back on the couch, making sure he and Jared aren’t touching. 

“You don’t have to worry about me. You can go.”

“I don’t wanna go. I want to understand what’s going on. Why don’t you want to talk to me anymore? We are friends. We’ve talked on the phone for hours.” 

“Because I kept calling you,” Jensen says quietly. “Because I’m the freaking rape victim of your investigation and it’s your job and I’m sorry if I was a pain in the ass-“

“Stop it,” Jared replies, louder than he intended, regretting it immediately when Jensen’s entire body goes tense. “Listen, you’re right, sort of, not about being a pain in the ass, but... Look, I don’t normally spend my days on the phone with the people I meet on the job. As a matter of fact, I’m really not supposed to. It’s not professional, could jeopardize the investigation and the trial. What I should’ve done the first time you called is redirect you to the psychology service we have at the station. But I didn’t, because I really enjoyed talking with you and I didn’t want it to end.”

Jensen doesn’t seem to react, at first. He keeps staring into space, looking high and disconnected. “Why?” He finally asks.

“Why what?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the first time we met. I… I don’t know, fuck. Jensen. I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“What?” The question is almost inaudible. 

Jared’s heart is beating fast, his mouth is dry, but he feels suddenly better than he has for days, like he’s suddenly acknowledging his true feelings.“Can I touch you? Take your hand?”

Jensen nods and holds out his hand. His fingers are shaking slightly.

“Okay uh… Listen, I don’t want to put more pressure on you or anything and I know, I know that you’re in no state right now to even consider going out with someone, but at least… I want us to be friends. Need us to be friends.”

“I… I don’t understand,” Jensen whispers, head bent. “You’re straight.”

Jared can’t help but let out a nervous laugh. “How can you tell? I mean… You can’t even see me.” It’s Jensen’s turn to smile and God, he has a wonderful smile, soft and frank, making his eyes crinkle. It’s the first time Jared has actually seen him smiling. Heard his laugh on the phone, but this… this is definitely better.

“I have friends who can actually see. I asked Chris to describe you. All I knew was that you were probably taller than me, and I was right,apparently you’re a freaking giant. And you have hair just a little shorter than Chris’… And yeah, he told me you had this straight vibe.”

“He’s not wrong. I only had girlfriends over the last few years, but in college…”

Jensen shakes his head vehemently. “No. Hun-hun. College doesn’t count. Everybody does stupid shit in college.”

“Have you talked to Misha or something, because I swear…”

Jensen presses Jared’s hand back. His smile is still curving his mouth up. “I…. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. Wish we could have met under better circumstances, but I like you a lot, Jared, and if being friends is working for you, that’s great.”

Jared isn’t disappointed in the slightest. Then, he takes in Jensen’s appearance once again and his worries are back with a vengeance. He lets go of Jensen’s hand, but stays very close to him.  
“Why did you suddenly think I was talking with you out of pity?” He asks more seriously.

Jensen shrugs. “I don’t… Chris told me to be careful and… Don’t be mad, he means well. I was kind of a jerk to him afterward and this morning, I basically told him to get lost.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. But he’s worried about me. I get it. You know my first day back at work? Couldn’t even do the full shift. I asked Daneel if I could take the afternoon off. It’s like… Now I always feel like someone is watching me, and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I spent half an hour locked up in the men’s room trying not to go into full-panic mode. Chris picked me up, stayed with me, even though I was mean to him.”

“Still. You should’ve talked to me.”

“I know. Now. But three hours ago everything Chris said to me made perfect sense.”  
Jensen yawns –and he’s cute as hell when he yawns, but Jared doubts his own objectivity. Still, seeing him fighting sleep like that reminds him of the Valium.

“You know, Jen, doubling your pill dose probably means you-…”

Jensen raises a hand. “I know. It was dumb and it probably means I need professional help. The health center has this group therapy for rape victims and the nurse really wants me to try it and I didn’t want to because most of the people in the group are women, but I guess she’s right when she says that being raped isn’t a question of gender and… Yeah.”

“If you don’t like it, you can always try private therapy sessions.”

“Yeah. It became clearer after my first day at work. I don’t… I don’t think I’m ready to go back. I thought it would be better than staying here alone and angsting all by myself, but I was wrong.”

Jensen yawns again, and this time Jared can actually hear his jaw pop.

“You should go to sleep. The Valium dose you took is gonna make you sleepy until tomorrow, the nurse said.

“Yeah I… Think I’m gonna take a shower first, though. When I was panicking earlier I could feel the sweat dripping down my back. Pretty gross. I probably look horrible right now.” Jensen blushes as his hand reaches clumsily until it finds Jared’s thigh, which he pats softly. “Thanks for coming by. Thanks for being my friend.”

“Well, as your friend, I won’t go until you’re safely out of the shower. You can barely stay awake… Or I can call Chris if you prefer.”

“No. But I’m fine, you don’t have to stay.”

“I want to.”

“Okay then.”

Jared observes Jensen as he makes his way to the bathroom, still holding on to the wall. He doesn’t lock the door behind him, for which Jared is glad. Here, hearing the noises from the bathroom, the water running, he’s struck by how difficult Jensen’s life must be on a daily base. Eyes are useful, Jared thinks stupidly, imagining what it must be like to take a shower in the dark, or cook a meal. He wonders if Jensen has been blind since birth, figures he must have been by the way Jensen talks about his life and his condition. Does he know what the color blue looks like since he’s never seen it? What kind of pictures can he see in his head, if he can at all, and how does he perceive differences in people; voices and smells and touch? If Jared thinks about Misha, surely enough, a face pops up in his mind: his friend’s smile, and the impressive blue color of his eyes, but it’s not only that. It’s Misha’s way of saying his name, his smell - deodorant and coffee, always. It must be like that for Jensen. When thinking about Jared, his voice maybe pops up in his mind or his laugh or his smell.

Jared knows he can’t ever truly understand what Jensen’s world perception is, just like it would be impossible to describe to Jensen what it feels like to see. 

The water stops running and there’s a minute or two of shuffling noise before the door opens. Jensen is only wearing a towel around his waist. It’s Jared’s turn to blush, seeing the man’s pale skin lightly scattered with freckles, his thin shoulders and flat stomach. Jensen turns his back on him, saying that he’s gonna get dressed, and Jared sees the scar of the bite mark on his upper back, still angry, red and swelled. Anger creeps back onto him and he fights it hard. He’s done what he can. He’s caught Lenhe. Still, it’ll never compensate for what Jensen has been through.

He must have gotten lost in his thoughts because suddenly Jensen is back in front of him, wearing sweat pants and an old Radio Head tee, smelling of soap and looking way better than when Jared first arrived. He seems to hesitate, swaying from one foot to the other and licking his upper lip nervously.

“So…” He says.

“Yeah.” Jared agrees awkwardly.

“You… you wanna stay a bit longer?”

“Of course I do, but you’re practically sleepwalking.”

“I…” Jensen scratches the back of his head, still struggling with whatever he’s thinking about. 

“I sleep on the couch, ya’ know? It’s huh… closer to the door. You wanna sit with me, just so, you know… It’s easier for me when…”

“When somebody’s there when you fall asleep?” Jared finishes gently. He already suspected as much, knows Jensen speaks with him on the phone late at night until he’s practically dozing, Jared’s voice lulling him to sleep. Jared’s hungry, and he’s still wearing his suit from work, but none of that seems to matter suddenly.

“You don’t have to,” Jensen adds, blushing once again.

“No, I want to. I really, really want to. You’ll be alright, when you wake up and I’m not there?”

“Yeah. Mornings…mornings are always easier.”

Jared is offered a beer, which he accepts, marveling at the way Jensen is able to function around his apartment even high on Valium without banging himself into walls or tripping over some kind of obstacle. “Order,” Jensen had told him one night. “Order is the key, really.”

And in Jensen’s world, the all new disorder of his mind and soul is somehow still neat and clean... He takes a comforter, neatly folded behind the couch, and a pillow and settles himself lying on his side in a half sitting position so that his head is turned toward Jared.

“You can watch TV if you want,” he offers.

“Nah, I’m good. Are you?”

“Yeah. You know, right now, I feel kind of stupid for the whole melodrama I just created, what with the extra pill and everything.” Jensen half smiles, half grimaces.

“You don’t need to. At least we’ve cleared some things up.”

“There’s a spare key for the apartment hanging to the right wall in the entryway closet. Think you can lock up before you go?”

“Of course.”

“And keep it. The key. I want you to.”

“Okay,” Jared rasps, feeling ridiculously touched, like Jensen has just given him a promise ring or something. “Thanks. For trusting me.”

“M’gonna call Chris tomorrow morning,” Jensen mumbles, sinking further under the comforter. “And then maybe Josh. He’s right, you know, I should’ve called Josh.”

“Who’s right?”

But Jensen’s already drifting away, looking relaxed and comfy and so desirable. His eyes start to roll, then suddenly opens wide, as Jensen sits up abruptly.

“What?” Jared asks in concern.

“Forgot to tell you. I sleep with my eyes open. Don’t freak out.”

The young man falls back on the couch just as suddenly and he’s out in minutes while Jared grins fondly and watches over him, wondering what Misha would say if he could see him right now.

::: :::

“You’re out of your mind.”

Misha stops near the entrance, mouth wide open. Jared rolls his eyes. It’s been a long day; he can’t wait to be home. He tugs on his partner’s sleeve to get him to move.

“You like… looked him in the eyes, and told him you were in love with him?” Misha asks, refusing to move.

“Well, yes… Except for the eyes part.”

“You know what I mean.”

Misha shoves his hands in his pockets and starts walking, finally.

“Well?” Jared asks, running after him.

“Hey, if you wanna have a very unethical relationship with another man, go for it.”

It could be sarcasm. Except Misha doesn’t do sarcasm.

“Are you judging me?”  
It’s Misha’s turn to roll his eyes. “No, I’m not. I mean, he can’t be worse than Kathie, right?”

Misha’s about to push the door open when he freezes. Again. “Hey! It’s that crazy guy.”

Jared can see Christian leaning against the brick wall outside the station. “Damn it,” he sighs, just as Misha pats his shoulder. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” Misha says, walking right past through him and into the street.

“Hey,” Christian says when Jared stops near him.

“Hey.”

“So hum… Apparently, I’ve been an ass, and you’ve been awesome.”

Christian is looking straight in front of him, as If he was talking to no one. Jared smiles a little. “Jensen told you that?”

“No. He’s way too sweet for that. I… I kind of realised it myself. Spoke with him this morning. Cleared up a couple of things. So I’m sorry for telling him that you weren’t his friend and… yeah. That kind of shit.”

“I get it, you know? I probably would’ve thought the same thing in your position. And I don’t know what he told you about last night, but I meant everything I said to him.”

Christian finally turns toward him, still looking a bit distant and suspicious, but holding out his hand, which Jared shakes. It’s when he tries to withdraw it that he sees the dark look Chris is giving him.

“You hurt him and I’ll kill you.” He whispers. It’s kind of bold, making this kind of statement in front of a police station to a detective, but there is Christian, serious as Hell, and Jared believes him completely. So he looks him in the eyes and nods before the man crushes his hand. 

Surprisingly, Christian smiles, then, and punches him on the shoulder playfully. “I’m glad we cleared that up, man.”


	4. Chapter 4

November 28 is a snowy day in Providence. Jensen says he can hear the wind howling through the window. Jared knows it makes Jensen nervous; he keeps fidgeting in his seat, pressing his hands against the cool glass and humming a song almost inaudibly under his breath. Jared also knows Jensen doesn’t like violent wind, doesn’t like the sound it makes and the way it seems to want to push him down. Plus, on windy days, he has more trouble with orientation.

That’s not the reason Jensen is so anxious, however. They’re heading to Providence’s T.F. Green Airport to pick up Joshua Ackles whose flight has already been delayed twice. Jensen is already having trouble dealing with the stress of his brother coming to visit and the uncertainty of his arrival is just making it worse. 

Christian is supposed to be the one driving him there but since the landing had been moved from ten in the morning to two in the afternoon, he just hadn’t been able to make it. Jared wonders if Christian could do a better job of calming Jensen down than he is.

Jared had been there five days ago when Jensen had finally gathered the courage to call Josh. With his brother on the other end of the line, he had been sweating profusely and shaking–it had been extremely difficult to watch actually. and to hear the uncertain words stuttered by Jensen as though it was painful to let them out. In the end, however, he had retreated in his bedroom and had spoken with his brother for almost an hour.

Seeing him face to face, however, is a whole different deal.

“Shouldn’t we be there already?” Jensen asks.

“Ten minutes max. We’re on time, Jen.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jensen nods but doesn’t look reassured in the slightest.

To tell the truth, Jared is kind of glad when they finally park in front of the airport. Jensen’s never been here before. He walks slowly, using his cane and holding onto Jared’s arm like his life depends on it. Every so often he asks where they are and what his surroundings look like until Jared gets it and starts talking non-stop, describing everything, until they’re at Josh’s flight arrival area.

“Is he already here?”

“No, the plane just landed. Come on, we’ll sit and wait for him.”

Christian had told Jared that morning that Jensen doesn’t like to be surrounded by people in a place he doesn’t know, which Jared can understand. He wonders if things are worse now that his friend’s been assaulted. _Stupid, of course it’s worse_ , he thinks, guiding Jensen to a chair. He sits next to him and doesn’t even flinch when Jensen’s grip on his arm gets tighter.

“So your brother, does he look anything like you?” He asks, trying to sooth Jensen’s nervousness with small talk.

“How would I know?” Jensen snaps before his features soften. “Sorry. According to my family, there’s a vague resemblance.”

“And he’s got kids?”

“Two boys. Isaac is only three months old. I…” Jensen sits up straighter, head cocked to the right. “People are coming this way.”

He’s right. Travellers are starting to enter the terminal. Jensen stands up quickly, dragging Jared with him. “Take me to where Josh can see me, okay?”

They don’t have to wait long before a man quickly makes his way through the crowd, calling Jensen’s name. Hearing it, Jensen starts to shake, grabs Jared’s arm with both hands, looking in the direction of his brother’s voice.

“Josh? You there?”

They do share a vague resemblance. There’s this big brother vibe Josh gives off, which Jared recognizes from his own older brother. Josh doesn’t hesitate, walks straight to Jensen and pulls him into a firm hug. Jared doesn’t even have to look at his friend to know he’s slowly relaxing into his brother’s arms.

“You should’ve called me sooner. What’s family for, huh?” Joshua says in a quiet, unsteady voice, putting his hand on the back of Jensen’s head. 

Jensen only nods and Jared swallows back the lump in his throat, standing back a few feet to give the brothers some space.

The ride back home is strange but Jared doesn’t really care. Jensen and Joshua have settled in the back of the car to talk more easily, leaving Jared to play chauffer. Jared only catches snippets of the conversation and that’s okay. Josh hasn’t questioned Jared’s double role as Jensen’s friend and the investigator of his assault. He seems to trust his younger brother to be able to make his own choices. There’s a closeness between them that you can only understand if you have a sibling. Jared suddenly misses Jeff, his larger-than-life big brother. They haven’t seen each other in months. That’s way too long.

“I’ll talk to mom,” Joshua says calmly. “Don’t worry about it, man. I get it. You let me deal with her, okay?”

Jensen nods, and for the first time since Jared met him, he looks almost carefree, like he’s suddenly rid of a crushing weight. Jared has a glimpse of the man he used to be, the man he still is even now under the layers of traumatism and uncertainty –and he likes it, can’t wait to get to know that man better, any way he can.

::: :::

Joshua stays for a whole week and his presence really seems to do Jensen some good. He takes the matter of their parents into his own hands, is gone a whole day to their hometown, Boston. Although he had reassured Jensen that he wouldn’t let their mother mess with him, the young man remains tense and nervous during Josh’s absence. Jared doesn’t know a lot about Jensen’s parents; even Christian is somewhat quiet about them (the only thing he ever told Jared was - “Donna Ackles is a scary lady.” And if a lady can scare Chris, it must be really bad.)

Jared has been with Jensen since lunch, wanting to be there for him while Josh is gone. By around two in the afternoon, he can’t bear the tension anymore and suggests a walk. It takes some persuasion, but Jensen finally accepts and they’re walking on the sidewalk a few minutes later. The ground is slippery and although Jensen is familiar with his surroundings, he takes Jared’s arm and holds on tight. Jared really doesn’t have any complaints about that.

“So?” He asks, marveling at the way Jensen’s pale skin turns pink in the cold weather. God, he’s beautiful. Jared could spend the whole day just looking at him.

“So what?”

“What’s the deal with your mom? I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but I’d really like to know because… It’s like an important part of who you are.”

Jensen sighs and licks his upper lip. It’s a nervous habit. “She’s not a monster or anything like that. She’s just… She’s sometimes difficult to deal with.”

“Oo-kay…”

 

“I’m scared of the power she has over me. Listen, Jay… I was born with a genetic defect. It’s called Leiber’s congenital amaurosis. Sometimes kids are totally blind from birth, sometimes blindness sets in progressively but still like… early in their life. My mom took me to this eye doctor when I was three months old because my left eye was kind of crossing, most of the time when I was tired. It still does, apparently.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Well, there the doc realised that my pupils were slow to dilate and he ordered some tests. That’s when my parents found out about the genetic disease. My vision wasn’t great, but I could still see… Even though blindness was inevitable, my mom kind of convinced herself they had caught the disease in time and that they would find a way to cure me which was, ya know, totally irrational, but eh, who can blame her?”

“Yeah. She’s a mom.” Jared whispers, thinking about his own mother threatening an E.R. nurse with breaking her nose if she didn’t fetch a doctor immediately. Jared had been twelve. And embarrassed. He’d only had muscle aches in his legs, which turned out to be growing pains, not an early sign of paralysis.

They’re crossing the street and Jensen stops him as soon as they get on the sidewalk.

“Wait. We’re in front of that coffee shop… _Jane’s_. ‘That it?”

Jared freezes on his spot, surprised to see the coffee shop’s entrance just in front of them.

“How did you know?”

“It’s my internal compass and this is my regular route. I know approximately how far I am from home and there are also some clues, like the way our footsteps sound and the obstacles we’ve crossed. Plus, can’t you smell the coffee?” Jensen smiles fondly.

And yeah, Jared, if he concentrates, can smell a faint effluvia of ground coffee beans. He looks at Jensen in awe. “You’re good.”

Jensen winks, which is strange but also incredibly sexy. “I know. Let’s get coffee.”

A few minutes later, they’re walking again. The sky is finally releasing the snow it’s been promising since morning. Jensen raises his head and breathes deeply, nostrils flaring like he wants to take it all in. A tiny snowflake gets caught in his dark lashes, a stark contrast with the green of his eyes lightened by the whiteness of the sky.

“God. You… You’re beautiful,” Jared whispers, unable to help himself.

“Shut up.”

“But you are. And I’m totally telling you that as a friend.”

Jensen is blushing but smiling playfully at the same time, a drastic contrast with the nervous, quiet man who had been hovering in his apartment an hour ago. “You know it’s strange, because Christian is my friend, but he never tells me things like that.”

“Well, he should.”

“Hun-hun. So where were we?”

“Your mom. Trying to find a cure.”

“Ah. Yeah. She didn’t, of course, because there isn’t one. She dragged me all over the country to see all kinds of specialists but nobody could do anything and I wore glasses that became thicker and ticker until I went totally blind when I was four years old.”

“Do you remember it? Seeing.”

Jensen frowns and takes a sip of coffee. “I don’t really have souvenirs of… you know… seeing. But my brain does remember some stuff, like the shape of things and… the colours. The colour green, particularly. I can see it very easily in my head. T’was the color of my room when I was a baby.”

“Green is my favorite color in the whole world.”

“Seriously?”

“No. It’s pink.”

“Now, you’re messing with me.”

“Hun-hun. Love pink. I got at least four pink or, you know, partially pink shirts.”

“See? This right here, this is one of the few times I’m actually glad to be blind.”

Jared laughs, mouth open to the sky. “So, you’ve been blind for almost all of your life,” he adds after a minute of comfortable silence, “And I guess your mom didn’t take that well.”

“She became very protective of me over the years, wouldn’t let me go anywhere or do anything the other kids would do. She was so scared for me and, when you’re a kid, that kind of fear is contagious. She would do everything for me, and I mean everything. I went to a special school for people with disabilities and I remember one of the teachers, Miss Lemhan, speaking with her after class, telling her that I would never learn to function if she didn’t let me do things for myself. She was the first in a long list of people who said the same thing. It only got worse as the years went by and I was kind of trapped in this golden cage, didn’t even wish to have a bit more independence or a normal life. I dropped out off college when I was nineteen and I wasn’t doing anything with my life. Played some guitar, read, listened to the tv, sometimes saw the few friends I had managed to keep. I didn’t even go out for a walk without mom or dad by my side. I wasn’t happy, not really. Just went with the flow, out of habit and fear and dependence. I was twenty-two when my dad was hospitalised for a kidney infection. Josh wasn’t living at home anymore and mom had to leave me alone for long periods of time to take care of dad. That’s when I realised that I was fine, you know, that I could do things for myself, that I could be so much more than I was.” 

Jensen makes a pause and finishes his coffee before he starts speaking again, as if he needs a moment to distance himself from his memories.

“After that, the fights began. My mom cried all the time. Every little thing I wanted to change got her so upset and she had ways of manipulating me –I don’t think she did it consciously, but the results were the same. I knew I had to leave if I wanted my life to change. I mean… I had to put physical distance between her and me. Got some help from a social worker. Joshua helped too. And I left. That day, my mother did all she could to get me to stay and it was so damn difficult to resist, to hear her cry and tell me how much she loved me one moment and that all she ever did was take care of me –that I was an ungrateful son - in the next. It wasn’t logical, the things she said. Nothing made sense. She told me: _You’re gonna die out there on your own._ ”

“God,” Jared says, completely caught up in Jensen’s story.

“Yeah. When I first moved here, I called her every day because I felt guilty for a lot of the wrong reasons. She cried every single time, pleading for me to go back home. I couldn’t do it anymore after a while. I stopped. She and my dad never came to visit. I call once a month and speak with my father only. And the worst thing about all of this is that I actually miss her, you know? She was so devoted to me and she’s my mother. I love her. Sometimes when life gets difficult I think about how everything was easy when I lived at home, how I didn’t have to worry about anything and could just let mom do it all. And it’s wrong, I know that.”

 

Jensen stops and wipes at his eyes nervously. He looks tired and spent. Jared suggests they start back and he nods silently.

“It’s just so f-fucking unfair,” he mumbles after a while, pressing closer to Jared as his body starts to shake. “What happened to me, it’s like a slap in the face. Like my mom was right all along. Those first couple of days, I kept having the same nightmares. I was like… reliving it. The rape. And… suddenly my mom would be there, speaking in my ear with this cold voice, telling me that I should’ve listened to her. Should’ve listened. God… Lenhe would be all over me, p-pounding into me, and it hurt so much and she kept saying that’s what happened to boys who ran away from home. Shit.”

Jensen’s shaking all over now, tears pooling in his eyes as he tries to swallow back the sobs trapped in his throat. Jared feels his friend’s fear and sorrow as if they were his own. He slides his arm around Jensen’s waist and presses the man against him, ready to let go at the first sign that his touch is unwelcomed. They keep walking at a slow pace under the falling snow.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says. “I didn’t wanna upset you. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Jensen sniffs and shakes his head. “It’s alright. It’s just… knowing that Josh is there with her, talking about me… It’s hard. Can’t explain.”

“Anybody in your position would feel the same way. “

Jensen smiles sadly. “God, I’m fucked up.”

“No. No you’re not. You’re like the bravest person I know, Jen.”

“Yeah, right.”

Jared cocks his head so that he can speak close to Jensen’s ear. “You are. Do you think I fell for you just because of your pretty face?”

He gets a small laugh from Jensen and already feels better. It feels so great to make Jensen laugh.

“Maybe just a little?”

“Well… Yeah, you’re goddamn beautiful, but still. There’s so much more, Jen.”

“Stop it.”

Jared complies. Jensen is in no state to have Jared flirting with him, making passionate love declarations.

When they get back home, Joshua is already waiting for them. Jared is glad Jensen can’t see the tension in his brother’s face. In fact, Joshua very carefully chooses his words while talking with Jensen, speaking at a slow and soothing pace. “She was upset, Jense, of course she was, but she understands you don’t want to see her yet. She says she’ll wait for your call.”

“Okay,” Jensen says. Then, he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. When Jared hears his muffled sobs, he leaves, giving the brothers some time alone.

::: :::

They go to a restaurant the night before Joshua’s flight. It’s Jensen’s idea. Chris comes and so do Misha and his wife Victoria. The food is good and Jensen is more relaxed than Jared has seen him in a long time. It’s funny, the way Chris and Joshua –and probably Jared himself- keep looking at him with this mixture of worry and love so clear in their eyes. Jared eats too much and speaks too loudly, makes Jensen laugh and feels so damn happy, like this is the beginning of something new.

::: :::

On January fourth, Jared is back at the airport, alone this time. He doesn’t even sit, just paces back and forth inside the terminal, waiting for Jensen, palms of his hands slippery with sweat and heart beating fast in his chest.

He hasn’t seen Jensen for ten days and considering they’ve been practically inseparable since the beginning of November, he has missed him to the point it physically hurt. “My friend,” Misha had told him, “you’re so past the point of falling for him, you know that, right? You’re head over heels in love with the guy.” Then, he had clicked his tongue and shaken his head almost sadly.

“What?” Jared had asked, scrolling down his messages to see if he had received any from Jensen.

“He wants you to be friend, Jay. He’s doing better, but don’t let yourself forget how you guys met in the first place.”

“I don’t mind waiting for him.”

“Maybe all you’ll ever have is waiting.”

Sometimes Misha can be so damn deep it gets on Jared’s nerves, like he’s some kind of new age guru in possession of the Truth.

Jensen had decided to accept Josh’s invitation to go spend Christmas with him and his family in Vancouver. It had been a good idea, everyone agreed. Jared had done his best not to sound like a pouting kid and had told him it would do him good. Knowing Jensen would be out of town, he had scheduled a flight and had visited his parents in San Antonio for a few days, clutching his cell phone like his life depended on it. One night, he’d had a strange conversation with his mom when Sherry had found him in the kitchen compulsively inhaling the last of the peanut butter cookies.

“Okay, who is she?”

“What?”

“You’re eating your emotions again. What’s her name?”

And Jared, who maybe had a little too much of the eggnog at supper, said: “What if I told you it wasn’t a girl.”

His mom had snorted and taken one peanut butter cookie for herself, then she had ruffled Jared’s hair. “Well, can’t be worse than Kathie.”

“He’s blind.”

“… Then he won’t complain about your horrible flower patterned shirts.”

Jared’s mom is awesome.

Jared had gotten back to work the day after the New Year. Things had been going slow at the station and he had a lot of time to think about Jensen. After Josh’s visit, Jensen had improved, slowly but surely. He went to his therapy sessions twice a week, his doctor had put him on a light anti-anxiety med that he had to take on a regular schedule so he wouldn’t have those mood swings he had with the Valium. His sick leave had been extended until the end of February. Jensen had been kind of scared when his therapist had told him that he was showing early signs of PTSD and had agreed to follow the program she had set for him. Christian was very involved in the process, which sometimes stirred this wave of jealousy in the pit of Jared’s stomach, until one day Chris had taken him apart and told him in no uncertain terms to get over himself.

“You know we’re not in competition, man, for Jensen’s friendship or whatever you feel toward him. I won’t lie; I’m very attached to that boy and he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had… But it’s not just that. I’m his counsellor from the Institute for the Blind, he told you that?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, of course. So I have responsibilities toward him. Lots of paper work to fill out and I need to monitor the services the Health Center provides him to make sure they’re adapted to his condition.”

“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.”

“Alright, so… Don’t go imagining stuff… And don’t forget what I told you the other day at the police station.”

Jared had punched Chris on the shoulder –couldn’t help it, really- and said, “I’m glad we cleared that up, man.”

All in all, since that night in Jensen’s apartment when he had been tripping on Valium, Jared and he had gotten pretty close. He had spent some nights there, pretending he was too tired to drive back home and sleeping on the couch. He had been there for the bad days, when Jensen was anxious to the point of throwing up, and the good days, when he was able to laugh, make some jokes and even play the guitar for Jared. 

The first time, when he had been strumming the strings, fingers so agile on the instrument, Jared had asked. “How can you…” To which Jensen had replied very seriously, “Well, would you believe it? I play by ear,” before they both burst into a laugh that had gone on for ten minutes. One of Jared’s favorite moments so far.

A few days before he had left for Canada, Jensen had become quiet and more withdrawn. He wasn’t in a bad mood. Just… different. He had sometimes stared for long seconds at Jared like he could actually see him. When they had parted at the airport, Christian following a few feet behind, grumbling about having to carry Jensen’s luggage, Jensen had taken Jared’s hand and said very seriously, “I’m gonna miss you, you know that… but… I’ve got a lot of thinking to do. Take some time for yourself, Jay. I know how much of your time has been spent on me. I want you to get some rest, okay?”

Then, he was gone. They had talked on the phone, sent each other texts and messages, but Jensen had been very careful to keep the conversation on light subjects and Jared had known things were going to change again when his friend got back. 

Jared doesn’t know what to expect, pacing in front of the arrival area. He hadn’t slept that much last night. He is struggling at work with a difficult investigation and there’s this apprehension creeping all over him every time he thinks about Jensen. When people start coming through the gates, he can barely stand the few more minutes he still has to wait –Jensen had told him he would be the last to get off the plane, needs a flight attendant to accompany him. Still, Jared is watching the arrival area like he can make Jensen appear by sheer will.

And there he is. Finally, hair mussed from the flight, holding tightly to the woman guiding him. He looks nervous and tired but still in good shape, considering.

“Hey! Jen!” Jared calls enthusiastically. He sees the moment Jensen hears him, there’s a sparkle in his eyes and a large smile lights his whole face. A few more seconds and the flight attendant leaves Jensen in Jared’s company. To Jared’s surprise, Jensen immediately presses against him and sighs contently in his ear. 

“Missed you so much.”

Jared is maybe shaking a little and his heart does funny things in his chest. He takes a deep breath in Jensen’s hair and wishes stupidly that they could stay in this embrace like… forever. Okay he’s a total girl when it comes to love. He totally admits it.

“Can you take me home?” Jensen asks, without moving.

Of course, Jared can take him home.

Jensen babbles all the way back from the airport about his trip and it’s clear he’s been having a good time. He tells Jared his sister-in-law, Melissa, had taken a lot of pictures and had given him the memory card from her camera just in case he wanted to show some of them to his friends. “It feels good, Jay, actually having friends to show pictures to.”

When they get to Jensen’s apartment, the young man makes coffee and refuses Jared’s offer to help him unpack. “That can wait. I got some stuff I wanna talk to you about.” He somehow senses Jared’s tension because he smiles, fumbling in the air with his right hand until he finds Jared’s arm, which he presses gently. 

They settle on the living room couch next to each other. Jensen holds on to his coffee mug with both hands as if to warm himself. He clears his throat a couple of times before he actually begins to speak. His voice shakes a little.

“So huh… When you said to me that night that you were… like… falling in love with me? Has that changed?”

“No,” Jared rasps, unsure of where this conversation is going.

“You know I did a lot of thinking while I was gone. Needed it. Sometimes my head fills up so full, like there are too many things going on… And everything mixes up and… I’m not the same guy I was before the rape. And the man who moved here to Providence is not the same guy who used to live with his parents. It’s hard, sorting all of this out. I’m twenty-four and I spent the first twenty-two years of my life depending on other people… and then, just when I was beginning to think of myself as an independent adult who could live his own life this… that man raped me and… I had to start depending on other people all over again.”

Jensen sighs and takes a sip of coffee. Jared waits. He’s already finished his and the caffeine is pumping through his system, making him hot and fidgety.

“It’s not quite the same, of course. I don’t… physically depend on Chris or you but still, I need you –the both of you- because sometimes when I’m alone I have this feeling that I’m so close to completely losing my mind and… Okay. I had to know, see? I had to know if the feelings I had for you were only coming from this need.”

“You have feelings for me?”

“Well, I… I wasn’t sure, but the week before I left I realized I wasn’t feeling the same thing toward you that I felt toward Chris. I had these dreams and… Whenever I knew I was going to see you there was this thrill deep inside me and… “

Jensen stops again and turns his head toward Jared who’s holding his breath, waiting. 

“I think I’m falling in love with you too.” Jensen whispers. “And I don’t know, Jay… I don’t know what to make of this because I’m needy and fucked up and that’s what you get. That’s how you’ve always known me. This guy that I am, I’m not sure I like him, you know? I’m not sure if he’s there to stay or not. What you see is what you get, do you understand?”

“Well, like you said - I never knew the Jensen before the rape or the one who used to live with his parents,” Jared says. “The guy I see is the one I fell in love with.”

Jensen is shaken by a nervous laugh. “Yeah well... I’m so fucking scared you’re gonna get tired of all this. And then I won’t even have you as a friend.”

“You’re thinking too much ahead.”

“That’s what Chris said.”

“You talked about this with him?”

“Yeah. And with Josh and Melissa. They all agree I should try… Go for it.”

Jared’s heart starts hammering in his chest. He doesn’t move or speak. Can’t.

“You know, I think they’re right,” Jensen whispers, blushing suddenly. “And I want it. I want to try, if you’re still interested. But you gotta know, Jay… I don’t have that much experience with… relationships. The only boyfriend I ever had was in college and it wasn’t serious and we didn’t… well…”

Jensen bites his lower lip and shakes his head. His face is turning a worrying shade of crimson. “I was still a v-virgin when I was raped.”

“Oh, God,” Jared can’t help but say.

“I know, r-right?” Jensen stutters, going for a nervous laugh. “It’s stupid, I’m-“

Jared shakes his head frantically then, realising Jensen can’t see him, he takes the younger man’s face between his hands, doing it slowly not to startle him. Jensen lowers his eyes, like he wants to avoid his gaze, even blind. His skin is pink and hot under Jared’s fingers.

“It’s not stupid. I’m just sad, for you, to know that he took that away. Wish I could take it back from him.”

“I may have HIV,” Jensen’s voice is thin, uncertain. “We won’t know for another four months.”

“We’ll wait. I don’t care.”

“And I can’t… can’t even think about sex right now. It’s too much and…”

Jensen blinks a tear which Jared slowly wipes away with his thumb. 

“You know you drive me crazy, right?” Jared’s voice is almost as shaky as Jensen’s. “I just wanna be with you. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Ok,” Jensen smiles and wraps his hands around Jared’s wrists. “I could go for a kiss, you know.”

“Oh, really?”

“Don’t mess with me, Jay.”

So Jared stops messing and presses his lips on Jensen’s soft ones. At first, neither of them moves, riding the thrill of sensation from this first kiss. Then, Jensen’s hands cradle the back of Jared’s head and he grips his hair softly, letting out a little moan that opens his mouth. Jared feels Jensen’s tongue shyly peeking out to press against his own trembling lips, demanding entrance. He lets go, humming low in his throat as Jensen slowly explores his mouth, careful not to be too enthusiast or overwhelming so as not to scare Jensen away. They part only when Jared is seriously becoming light-headed from lack of oxygen. Jensen blinks, mouth red and shiny, an uncertain smile tugging at his lips. And it’s like Jared is falling in love all over again.

“Can I hug you even if we already did it at the airport?” He asks.

“Yeah.” Jensen laughs and bends slightly towards him, letting Jared’s long muscular arms pull him into a strong embrace. 

“Feels good,” Jared sighs contently. 

“Would feel better if I could breathe,” Jensen mumbles against Jared’s shirt.

“Oh. Shit. Sorry. I didn’t…”

Jared releases Jensen, keeping an arm on his shoulder that he rubs nervously. His friend tilts his head backward and laughs.

“What? You were joking?”

Jensen nods, unable to stop himself from giggling. Jared hugs him again and, this time, he doesn’t let go.

::: :::

It’s the end of March in Lovecraft’s hometown and, as usual, it’s raining a lot. They all wait for the doors of the courtroom to open. Jensen sits very still, surrounded by Jared on his left and Christian on his right. He hadn’t slept the previous night and it shows. Just before they’d left home, he had been sick. Jared had insisted once again. “You don’t have to do this, Jensen.”

“Yeah, I do,” Jensen had rasped, holding on to the toilet bowl and shaking from exertion.   
Jared’s still not sure if the way Jensen is pressing his hand hard enough to hurt him is any indication of whether Jensen should be here or not. Jensen’s therapist hadn’t helped clear up the matter. “Some victims feel the need to do this. Some don’t. There’s no good or bad answer there.”

Fredric Lenhe pleads guilty for all the charges. It’s an about face from his earlier statements but it’s welcome. It means no lawyer is going to question detective Padalecki’s objectivity on the matter. It means no trial, no need for Jensen to testify, no jury deliberation lasting for days. Only the judge giving the sentence. Then, it’ll be over.

Christian and Jared aren’t the only ones there with Jensen. Josh is there as well, pacing nervously back and forth in front of the locked door. Misha’s there too, talking about Vancouver this time of the year with Melissa. Victoria couldn’t be there, but she’d sent a mail to Jensen from Tokyo where she’s on a business trip. 

And… there’s Alan Ackles, standing very still, leaning against the wall, looking at Jensen when he thinks nobody’s watching him.

Donna Ackles is not there. Jensen had asked his father about her absence. He had been surprised to learn Alan still had every intention of coming, even without his wife.

Jared can’t think about Jensen’s mother without shivering. What a mess. He had met her once, back in February, and does not wish to repeat the experience. Jensen had been very upset by his mother’s pleas to come back home. The night following her visit, he’d had a nightmare that morphed into a panic attack after he had woken up. And…

“Come on, Jay,” Christian urges him.

Jared blinks and realises he’s holding Jensen back just as he’s trying to stand up. The doors of the courtroom are open. Jared’s not sure who’s more nervous - him or Jensen.  
“You know I love you, right?” He asks as they both stand up.

Jensen nods and opens his mouth but it’s like he just can’t get himself to speak. 

“Come on, Jen, let’s get this over with,” Christian says, patting him on the back.

There aren’t many people in the courtroom except for Jensen’s small support group and the court employees. They stand close together. 

“Tell me,” Jensen asks Jared in an almost inaudible voice.

“He’s not here yet.”

“Okay.”

“It’s a small courtroom. Not a lot of light. We’re standing just in front of the judge’s bench, maybe twenty feet away. The accused and his lawyer are going to be on your left, ten feet in front of us.”

Jensen nods. “How are we seated?”

Reassurance by knowing his surroundings. Jensen uses it whenever he’s nervous.

“Starting from your right, there’s Misha, Chris, you and me, and right behind us, Melissa, Josh and your father.”

Jensen lowers his voice. “How’s my dad doing?”

“Huh. Okay. Looks a bit nervous,” Jared lies. 

Behind him, Josh and his father talk in low voices. Alan Ackles looks grey and tired; old.

“It won’t be long, Jen,” Christian says, tilting his head toward his friend. He’s got a strange, cold expression on his face. As a matter of fact, of their little group, only Misha seems relaxed, at ease. He’s looking all around him like he’s never been in a courtroom before. He’s off duty, wearing one of his horrible self-knit sweaters with blue and yellow uneven stripes. Jared describes it to Jensen and is relieved to get a small smile from him.

Then, the usher announces the Judge: The honorable Kim Rhodes. Jared is glad she’s the one taking care of Lenhe’s case. Judge Rhodes is known for her severe sentences toward sexual predators.

Jensen starts to sweat and presses himself closer to Jared. Chris speaks to him in a low, even voice as the lawyers make their entrance. Then it’s finally Lenhe’s turn, wearing handcuffs and escorted by two police officers. “He’s coming through the side door, Jen. He’s sitting in the accused’s box. He hasn’t even looked in our direction.”

Jensen nods without saying a word. Jared is glad Chris hasn’t described Lenhe’s ironic, mocking grin, as if all of this is just a big joke.

The judge reads the accusation. Jensen pales but looks like he’s holding his own. Alan Ackles seems on the verge of throwing up. Melissa takes Joshua’s hand and blinks a tear from the corner of her eye. 

Lenhe’s court appointed lawyer –a man in his early thirties, stands up to repeat Lenhe’s decision to plead guilty.

“May the accused stand,” Judge Rhodes orders, looking straight at Lenhe with a hard expression.

“He’s standing up,” Jared says, even if it’s not necessary. Talking to reassure not only Jensen, but maybe himself as well.

“Mr Lenhe, you’ve pleaded guilty to the accusation of the rape and physical assault on the person of Mr. Jensen Ackles. Due to the circumstances surrounding the crime and it’s violent nature, I’ve decided to go with the district attorney’s recommendations and, therefore, condemn you to a twelve year prison sentence with no possibility of release on parole before ten years. You’ll serve your sentence to…”

Jared doesn’t hear the rest. He feels lightheaded and relieved. It’s a good sentence. That’s what he tells Jensen and Chris. Chris nods, although he looks disgusted, as if the judge had just told Lenhe that he was free to walk.

Which is to be expected, Jared thinks. No punishment could give Jensen back what Lenhe took from him. Nothing ever will. Still, as far as the justice system goes, Jared knows they’ve been lucky; first, to catch Lenhe so soon after the crime; second, to have him plead guilty and; third to have a case solid enough for the judge to give a fair and severe sentence. 

“The hearing is adjourned,” Kim Rhodes states, knocking once on her desk with her gavel.

They all stand up as the judge leaves the room. Lenhe then turns his head toward them, a small smile quirking his lips, and looks directly at Jensen who, of course, doesn’t realize it as busy as he is trying to stand on his feet while shaking violently. 

Christian turns to Misha and says in a very reasonable, very un-Christian-like voice, “Please don’t stop me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Misha replies softly, taking a step back to let Christian pass in front of him.

 

Before anyone realises what’s happening, the man walks directly up to Lenhe and punches him in the face, hard. The noise echoes throughout the courtroom as does Lenhe’s pain-filled grunt as he falls back flat on his ass.

“What’s happening? Jay?” Jensen tugs at Jared’s shirt sleeve hard, eyes wide and full of panic.

“Don’t worry. Chris just punched Lenhe. Right in the face.”

“What?”

There’s a small commotion as the security guards stop Christian. Josh is laughing out loud, Jared realises, out of stress most probably. Misha is still looking all around him placidly. Melissa shakes almost as hard as Jensen and Alan seems to wake up from a dream, eyes as wide as his son’s.

Lenhe is taken out of the courtroom, looking stunned, nose bleeding. Christian doesn’t put up any resistance. A cop comes out of nowhere, or so it seems, and takes the matter in his own hands.

“Man, that was beautiful. I think Chris broke his nose,” Jared tells Jensen.

Jensen tries to speak again but he can’t. Right now, everything is too much. In the meantime, the cop has taken Christian to an empty section of the courtroom, sitting with him in the jury’s box. 

Lenhe’s lawyer walks toward them and Jared instinctively reinforces his grip on Jensen’s arm.

“Hey Misha.”

“Matt.” Misha greets with a wide smile.

“Still up for that coffee?”

“F’course.”

“Got some stuff to finish here. The coffee shop down the street in about… two hours?”

“Perfect.”

“You know him?” Jared asks, staring at Misha as Matt Cohen walks away.

“Yeah. He was in my yoga class,” Misha explains. “Good guy. Does a terrific lotus position.”

Jensen has cocked his head toward Misha, a thing he does when he concentrates on someone’s voice. On these mysterious words, Misha cocks an eyebrow, shoves his hand in his pocket and walks away. Jensen frowns.

“What was that all about?”

“Oh, nothing. You know Mish. He’s strange that way.”

Jared won’t explain that it was probably something Misha did that made Lenhe change his mind and plead guilty. With the evidence they had condemning him, he had no chance of getting out of the trial without a guilty sentence anyway, but a long trial would have been very hard on Jensen. On all of them. With Matt Cohen as a friend, he must have convinced him to persuade Lenhe that pleading guilty was the only way to go.

“Can we leave?” Jensen asks in a shaking voice.

He’s at the end of his rope, Jared can tell. “Yeah.” He turns toward the rest of Jensen’s family. “I’ll take him home.”

On their way to the exit, they pass in front of Christian who winks at Jared while the cop explains to him that the warning he’s giving him is a one-time thing, that he should learn to control himself.

“I did control myself,” Christian replies. “I only punched him once.”

And is that Jared’s imagination, or is the cop actually trying to repress a smile?

Back at Jensen’s apartment, Jared asks him if he wants or needs to talk. On the way back, Jen has kept silent and Jared hadn’t pressed. 

“No, I don’t…” Jensen whispers, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “I’m… cold. It’s cold today. I think I’m gonna take a bath.”

Jared runs it for him, helps him undress. It’s unusual. Jensen usually makes a point of doing things for himself, but he seems so exhausted he doesn’t even try to fight him. He lets Jared help him into the bathtub. The water is hot but he keeps shaking. Jared turns the heater higher.

“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

Jared makes himself some coffee and starts doing the morning’s dishes. He’s practically living with Jensen at this point and he knows it’s only a matter of time before he sub-rents his apartment. The place where he lives is bigger and well located but Jared knows how important it is for Jensen to know his surroundings. He’s in no state to go through major changes right now.

Besides, Jared’s starting to feel at home here. Wherever Jensen is. They spend their nights cuddling, skin against skin. Jared loves waking up with Jensen’s soft breath warming his neck. They’re taking the intimate side of their relationship very slowly, sharing kisses and sometimes long caresses. Jensen is not ready to do anything else. Jared is content with what they have for the moment.

He’s so lost in his thoughts that it takes him some time to realise Jensen is crying. The sobs are muffled by the closed door, but they sound kind of desperate, different from the few silent tears Jensen sometimes sheds. Dropping his wet towel on the sink, Jared goes to knock on the bathroom door.

“Jen? Can I come in?”

There’s a hiccup, than a stuttered, “yeah.” Jared finds Jensen crying in the palm of his cupped hand. He sits on the floor next to the bathtub and wraps an arm around Jensen’s shoulders, not worrying about getting wet himself. As soon as he’s settled, Jensen drops his hands and presses his head against Jared’s chest. “You okay?” He asks after a moment.

“Y-yeah. I’m… it’s just…” Jensen takes a shuddering breath and sniffs. “It… it’s over, you know?”

“Yes. It is,” Jared agrees, realising Jensen’s sudden crying fit is probably more attributable to relief than anything else. He kisses the top of his head.

“Sorry. I’m a f-fucking wuss.”

“No you aint. Just let it out if it’s what you need. I’m here. Not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Jensen whispers. 

They stay stuck in their strange embrace for a long time. They’ll be okay, Jared tells himself. And for the first time since he met Jensen, he believes it entirely, like the fog covering their future has finally started to subside.

::: :::

A month later, when Jared picks Jensen up after work, his boyfriend has some news. He’d got the results of his blood test back. Finally. They’re normal.

This time, it’s Jared who bursts into tears, so suddenly that he has to park the car on the side of the street. He hadn’t even known how stressed he’d been about the issue until it wasn’t an issue anymore.

Jensen coaxes him through it, makes some joke about the both of them being the gayest couple ever. 

Yeah, they’ll definitely be alright.

Fin


End file.
